{Listening}

This post is something that has been on my mind for quite some time. I've struggled with putting it into writing because of the personal nature of it, but I finally decided that it is something I need to record for my family. I need to write of the promptings I have had, the tender mercies of the Lord, and the tough lesson I had to learn.

The first ten days of 2011 were, bluntly put, horrible. All three of my children became sick and within the course of a few days they were diagnosed with Strep, Influenza, Croup, and RSV. Mason was the one who contracted RSV and I cannot tell you the fear that struck my heart when the doctor told me. When he was hospitalized with it last year, it was one of the lowest points of my life and my fear was having to go through that again.

Over the course of those first few days, there were several times when I felt promptings to take my children to the doctor. Jonas was the first to become sick and had woken up one morning with a horrible fever and barking cough. I was determined to wait it out and not rack up more medical bills. By the afternoon his cough had become severe and I remember coming up the stairs from the basement with some laundry and hearing his horrible cough and wheezing. I had the thought come to me, "You need to take your child to the doctor right now." I called and we got in right away. The diagnosis was croup. The doctor warned us that Jonas didn't sound too well and he wouldn't be surprised if we ended up in the ER that night. He sent us home with a prescription for a steroid and breathing treatments. On the way home it started to snow. By the time I got into Saratoga Springs I was at almost zero visibility and by the time I waited for them to fill his prescription the storm had only worsened. I'd never been more thankful for a 4 wheel drive vehicle as I was then.

Over the next few days we were back at the doctor's office with both Carson and Mason for the other illnesses. A few days after Mason's RSV diagnosis we were supposed to go back in for a follow up. Mason had done quite well with breathing treatments and that morning I decided that I would just cancel the appointment. I called up the pediatrician office, and was put on hold. While on hold, I had the distinct thought come to me, "Just hang up, he needs to go in." So I hung up the phone and took him in. Upon examination the doctor informed me that Mason's right ear was badly infected and full of puss. This happened on a Thursday.

Over the next few days the boys all seemed to be on the mend and life started to return to normal. That Saturday I was busy doing chores and taking care of some business I had put off while the boys were sick. I remember walking by our computer, which was just sitting there turned on, and had the distinct impression that I needed to sit down and message my cousin Ben on Facebook and let him know that I was thinking about him and loved him. I thought to myself, "Oh, I'll do that later, I'm busy now." As you can already guess, later never came, and I never did it.

Sunday came and went and Mason kept tugging at his ear. About 6 o'clock Monday morning I woke up abruptly. I remember suddenly sitting up in bed as I awoke from a very weird dream I was having about my Grandma and Grandpa Carson. I was standing with them in some trees out behind my Grandma & Grandpa Butler's house and we were waiting for someone. I had a really heavy, depressing feeling in my heart and all day I lacked the motivation to do anything. I remember being on my couch and feeling frustrated with myself because I was just sitting there, feeling depressed, instead of doing all of the chores on my to do list. That day, I had made another appointment for Mason at the doctor because he wouldn't leave his ear alone. I left early for the appointment to go run some other errands and about 3:30 Jeff called me to say they had let him off work early and he would meet me at the doctor's office and take the two older boys home. I remember thinking, "What a blessing! He never gets off early and now I won't have to try to wrestle with Carson and Jonas at the doctor's office."

We all arrived at the doctor's office around 4 o'clock. I had just checked Mason in and we were sitting down when my phone rang. I was tempted to ignore it, but noticed that it was my mom so I answered it. I knew something was terribly wrong because she sounded very upset. I motioned for Jeff to take Mason and I took Carson and Jonas out to the car. Then she told me that Ben had passed away earlier that day. It immediately became clear to me why Jeff was randomly off work early and able to meet me at the doctor's office. Then, just as suddenly as I knew why Jeff had been there, I also remembered that I hadn't messaged Ben. I had been warned, given one last chance to talk to him, and I hadn't listened. I had supposed I would have more time. I'd had every intention of doing it, but I had let life get in the way. I then remembered something Elder Bednar had said when he had spoken in our married student ward at BYU-Idaho the week after he had been put in as an apostle,"Brothers and Sisters, the time has come when the speed with which we listen to promptings of the Spirit will matter more than if we just listen."

I started off this year with a list of goals, but they don't seem to matter so much any more.

The Lord has taught me in a very real way that I need to focus on listening.
Listening to that still, small voice, and then acting as quickly as possible.

It breaks my heart that I didn't just sit down at the computer and do what I had been told to do. Its something I can never change. All I can do is try to move forward, and try ever more so to listen and then immediately act.