Thoughts of a Tired Momma

I think back to when Jeff and I were first married and how I vowed I would always have a clean house. I was so diligent about keeping everything spotless. I like order. It makes me happy. One of my strange quirks is that, at night, after I have scrubbed my house, I will sit out on the couch and just enjoy the cleanliness. Enjoy the order. Enjoy the peace it brings me to have everything in its place. I guess its a way for me to unwind and meditate. Cleanliness brings me joy. I know, its weird, but its one of those areas in life where I can actually see where I've made a difference...even if its only until the boys wake up the next morning.

Sometimes I look around and wonder what has happened to me. More often than not I am behind on laundry, there are dishes filling my sink, toys are strewn throughout my house, and there are fingerprints all over the doors. Sometimes its so discouraging, especially because I am a perfectionist. Its a tricky balancing act between (1)trying to make sure I am focusing on my boys and enjoying these precious years with them and (2) not letting my house disintegrate into chaos. I am still learning. Still trying to figure out what works for our family.

Carson is getting old enough that he is such a great help with the chores, but Jonas and Mason....they think its their job to make messes. And that's ok, because that is how they explore their world, but....whew, sometimes it exhausts this momma! Even though Mason has a few more weeks until his 1st birthday, he already acts like a toddler in lots of ways. I knew this day would come: two toddlers under two, but it came too fast! He feels it is his job to unload the dishwasher as I am loading it, or to empty all the cupboards and drawers while I am cleaning up some sort of mess in the living room. Its precious, really, probably because he is so darn cute that I can't get mad at him.

Even though its sometimes stressful, I wouldn't trade the messes and smudges and dirty laundry for anything! For me, its evidence of a home filled with the joy of childhood. What a blessing these sweet little babies are! What a blessing it is I get to spend my days with them! What a blessing it is that I get to figure this whole motherhood thing out...even if I'm exhausted and miles away from my goals at the end of the day.

I can think of several dear, sweet friends who long for children and are unable to have them either from infertility or the lack of a spouse. I talked with a friend the other day and she cried to me because she thought she would never get married and have the blessing of holding her own baby. I vowed then, that I would never take another moment of motherhood for granted, ever again. Children really are a gift. They teach me so much everyday. I see their precious little faces and know that this is where I belong; that I could do no greater work than to train these little ones up to the Lord.